I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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