Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
