i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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