We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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