I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
