I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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