Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
