The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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