this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
