I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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