Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
