dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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