Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
