dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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