I just cut my nipple shaving
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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