I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
