I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
