Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
