He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
