It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
