My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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