i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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