I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
