this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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