She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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