how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
