My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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