I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
