i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
