I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
