I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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