I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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