I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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