new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
handjob tips. give me some.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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