dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
