Betty ford says i'm here all night
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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