You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
