Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
