I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
