He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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