I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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