When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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