I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
