Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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