Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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