last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
