what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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