hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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