how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
