Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
