it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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