she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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