We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
