i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
