I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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