Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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