Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
