Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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