It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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