Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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