I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
