cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
