First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
