I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
